


This Is Where I Lose Myself

by samalander



Category: ST:AOS - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-21
Updated: 2011-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-22 06:12:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/234757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samalander/pseuds/samalander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim has to write a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is Where I Lose Myself

**Author's Note:**

> For [](http://rubynye.livejournal.com/profile)[**rubynye**](http://rubynye.livejournal.com/)'s prompt at the [](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com/profile)[**jim_and_bones**](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com/)[Flash Fic Challange](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com/410674.html): The first time Jim has to write a letter home because a crewmember died, and Bones trying to comfort him (not least by telling him about the first time he lost a patient).

_**FIC: This Is Where I Lose Myself**_  
 **Title:** This Is Where I Lose Myself  
 **Author:** [](http://users.livejournal.com/_samalander/profile)[**_samalander**](http://users.livejournal.com/_samalander/)  
 **Fandom:** ST:AOS  
 **Rating:** PG-13  
 **Wordcount:** 1096  
 **Warnings:** Character death.  
 **Characters/Pairings:** Kirk/McCoy, OFC  
 **Summary:** Jim has to write a letter.  
 **Notes:** For [](http://rubynye.livejournal.com/profile)[**rubynye**](http://rubynye.livejournal.com/) 's prompt at the [](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com/profile)[**jim_and_bones**](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com/)[Flash Fic Challange](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com/410674.html): The first time Jim has to write a letter home because a crewmember died, and Bones trying to comfort him (not least by telling him about the first time he lost a patient).

  
Jim stared blankly at the screen, the few lines he had written taunting him.

 _Mrs. Katherine Jackson,_

 _I am writing to inform you that your sister, Lt. Laurie Freeman_

He sat there, staring. There were no words to write about what had happened, no sense to be made of the event. He couldn’t say what he was thinking, that Lt. Freeman had been a mediocre officer who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He couldn’t tell her he didn’t know her sister, couldn’t say that he had spoken to her all of once. He couldn't do any of that.

He jumped as his door chimed, not least of all because he had set the damn thing to Do Not Disturb when he sat down to write the letter. There were only two people with clearance high enough to interrupt the captain tonight, and he was relatively sure he knew who it was.

"Come in."

The door slid back to reveal Bones, tired and wobbling on unsteady legs. It wasn't just Jim who lost a crewmemeber today. It was Bones who lost a patient, McKenna who lost a bunkmate, Gaila who lost a subordinate.

And the doctor looked dead to the world, his normally coiffed hair spiked every which way and his eyes so big, and so sad.

"Jim." It wasn't a big word, his name, but Bones had a way of saying a thousand things with one word, a way of saying _I hurt._ and _Are you okay?_ and _Why today?_ with three letters.

Jim gestured for his friend to come in, which he did, collapsing onto a chair like the will to stand had been forcibly removed from his knees.

"Okay, Bones?"

"No."

The silence stretched between them. Finally, Jim sighed. "Me neither."

Bones smiled sadly and offered his hand, which Jim took. It was a comforting gesture, if confusing. Jim knew he loved his best friend, knew they fell into bed together on occasion, but the intimacy of a held hand was somehow strange in light of the circumstance.

"How's the letter?"

Jim tried not to laugh, because it wasn't funny, really, but he didn't know what else he could do.

"I don’t know what to say. 'Your sister is dead because a console she was working on blew, and by the time we got to her she was too badly burned to save.' I can’t even offer the idea that she died in pursuit of something. She just died doing a routine virus scan. A virus scan, Bones."

Jim heard his voice crack when he said that, the notion that some idiotic piece of bureaucracy had mandated biweekly virus scans on all staff consoles and Lt. Freeman was filing out _paperwork_ when she died.

Bones just held his hand, listening. It made Jim want to scream, the quiet compassion.

"Right now, Bones, I need you to be my best friend and not my doctor."

He didn’t know what he was actually asking for, but Leonard seemed to, nodding slightly and adjusting his posture.

"Want to hear a story?"

Jim blinked. "Is it about a handsome robot named Kim Jirk?"

Bones smiled sadly. "That is a terrible name for a handsome robot, Jim, and no. It's about a young medical student named Leo McCoy."

"Are there dragons?"

Bones hushed him gently, and stood, pulling Jim up from his chair. "Stop sitting at the console, you'll ruin your back," he chided, aiming Jim for the couch. The captain collapsed there, and Bones sat next to him, their shoulders touching.

"I was young in med school – nineteen when I started my internship," Bones started, and Jim found himself soothed by the cadence of his friend's voice, felt himself melting into the couch under the waves of sound.

"This kid gets rushed in, and I mean a young kid, 6 or so. He had been riding in a shuttle with his parents when a solar flare came up."

Jim nodded, "And cooked them in their seats?"

"You do pay attention," Bones smiled. "Good boy. Yes, cooked the parents. The kid had second- and third-degree burns over most of his body. Sixty percent. There was nothing we could do. He was too little; it took too long to get to us. We had to sit there and watch him stutter out."

Jim laid his head on Bones' shoulder, and the older man brought his hand up to rest of Jim's shoulder.

"There was a next of kin, a set of grandparents – and a sister. She was older, closer to twelve, and insisted on being there when I told them. First time I ever did that, told a family their loved ones were gone, and I told some kid she was an orphan and her little brother was dead."

"How did you do it?"

"Poorly," Bones said, running a hand through his friend's hair, "But I did it. And you can too, okay?"

Jim coughed, realizing for the first time that he was crying, tears welling in his eyes and cascading down his cheeks. For the little girl, or for Lt. Freeman, he wasn't sure.

"I don’t know how," he whispered, and Bones nodded.

"No one does, but you got me, right? And Spock, if he can find an emotion in that big green heart of his. And Pike. You're not alone kid, but you gotta sleep, and you gotta take care of yourself. I promise, Jim, the letter will be there in the morning."

"I didn’t want her to die."

Bones stood and pulled Jim to his feet, leading him by the hands slowly to the bedroom.

"Of course you didn't. You don’t want anyone to die. But they do."

"I should have saved her."

"Oh yes," Bones rolled his eyes, and even in the dark of the bedroom, being laid into his bed, Jim could see it. "You should follow every officer around every minute of every day, just in case."

"I know," Jim whispered as the bed dipped next to him, and Bones' heavy weight draped across his back.

"You're a good captain," the doctor muttered, sparing a kiss for his captain's neck, "And accidents happen. Not your fault, Jim, not your fault."

Jim realized he was crying again, huge wracking sobs through his whole body, and he turned to bury his head in Leonard's chest. For his part, the doctor held him until the crying ceased, until the tears faded into stuttering gasps, and then the quiet rhythm of a sleeping adult.

Leonard closed his eyes, held Jim close, and slept as well.


End file.
